Fed up

I'm just feeling fed up with alot of things.

Dear God

Dear God,
I pray that even as I grow old, I would still thank you. For every new magical day, for the morning sun that warms my face, for the trickle of late afternoon rain down my back,

For how the leaves seem so green, and how the grass smell so nice. For the gentle breeze and roaring wave. For the fierce heat of the day, and the gentle cool of the night.

For how my family seems to always shout and scream and take AGES to prepare and promise to never ever go back to a place to visit cause of how far it is and how rude the distant relatives are, and repeats the ritual once again the following year. :-)

I thank you God, for my sense of humour :-)

I thank you that they always wanna "talk" despite how I always try to steer clear and seem annoyed. And I pray that I would break this, to one day share all dreams, all fears , all desires, all humour and jokes with them.

I pray that my family ties CAN grow. That I would take a lighter view of them all, including my relatives. I pray that I can show out my emotions, to let them know how much I care.

And GOD! I thank you for awesome friends. I pray God, that you're always gonna watch over them, the near. And the far. That where they are, there you will be. Protect their bodies, their mind, their soul. From the crown of their heads, to the sole of their feet.

Let joy always flow from heaven. No burdens, no worries, no running away and no mellowing in the past. But joy! Pure and simple.

And God, thank you for Dogs! And how they never seem to tire of the same old patch of grass. How they are always ALWAYS excited to see us get home. How they can always listen and not judge. And no matter how sad I seem, they always seem to say. " I understand. " SO YEAH! Thank you God for dogs!


And I pray. That I'll always smile through this quaint, quirky lil life of mine. :-)

I wonder if

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand—
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep—while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?

-Edgar Allen Poe

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As I stood, or sat. Listening to a few of my friends discussing about love and relationships. And how people should stay focused on whatever and whatever. I wonder...

I remember talking about a few problems that I was seeing when it comes to love. Fights betweens couples. Fights between 2 guys going after the same girl. How people dont do well in their studies when they're attached.

I remember Grace telling me how the other cell grp are facing alot of love love problems because they're still really young and still kinda childish. And how our CG doesnt really face that cause we've has been through it, so we can handle it better. And how we should be mature in handling things like that.

I remember huanxin telling me, that relationships arent right at this time and I should focus on dreams and goals and girls can come anytime after that.

I remember Joo telling me how she wished the earth had only girls, and how repulsive she felt towards guys and the corny dumb and disgusting things some of them did. And how she can never see herself getting married.

I remember Mel saying, a crush is just a simple attraction and people would recover fast from it. And how if you should really look into a person's character and attitude, take away all the " niceness ". Only then you consider if you can get into a relationship what that person.

I remember me saying I dont understand why people wanna get into relationship when the only difference is that couples hold hands and can kiss and do other physical stuff and thats it. I remember me telling people to just let go, move on, there's someone better out there, you'll get over it as if it was the easiest thing in the world. Its just all about feelings and you get over it. There's no such thing as the perfect one. Love isent a dream or fairy tale, but something you work on.

I've grown, I'm more mature now. Or maybe I'm just more cynical about this love.

And I laid on my bed. And remember how I used to feel this sinking, deep, warm, joyful beyond words feeling in my heart.

I remember how everything I did seemed so stupid and dumb. I remember how I felt I lost so much time and money and effort for nothing.

"Why do all these when you're already so tired? Why are you going through all this trouble?"

And I wanted to. I wanted to, cause I belived what I did, could make someone I had feelings for, a lil more happy. Or at least feel better when she's going throuhg a rough patch.

And beneath every tough exterior. Ever rock solid explaination I had. Peel away, all these walls and walls of hardened emotions I built around me, so I could move on.

I guess. I still want to belive.

That love is not a theory, or a work in progress. That feelings are not just feelings.

I dont wanna be so. Realistic. So hardened. So cynical.

I still wanna believe.

In a dream within a dream.

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Or, as thou never cam'st in sooth,
Come now, and let me dream it truth;
And part my hair, and kiss my brow,
And say: My love! why sufferest thou?

Come to me in my dreams, and then
By day I shall be well again!
For then the night will more than pay
The hopeless longing of the day.

-Matthew Arnold

Someone said
" Chris... Everything's gonna be the same lar, nothing's gonna change. You all will probably not even notice or get used to it after awhile! "

I dont really think so...

You ok?

" Are you OK? "

I got that alot these few days.

I wonder why. People seem to think I sound sad, or look down. And honestly, I dont think I'm down or sad or " emo " haha

But I'm not a hypocrite, I wouldnt go add alot of HAHAs in my entry and laugh off the whole thing. I'm a beliver of listening.

Yeah,I know that sometimes, people put you down and give lousy comments about you when you're actually OK. nd you still gotta do what you belive in your heart. You still gotta trust yout style, your choice of haircut, your choice of not going out or your choice of direction in life.

But I realise too that its not really that simple. Because when friends give comments about you. Sometimes , just sometimes, you gotta listen to what they say.

" I think you should go jog a lil, you're putting on weight. "

OK, see. These things you should listen to. Because you never know if ur putting on weight, and people see you better. They see your physical changes more then urself...

" Dont go volunteer, its a waste of time, u will do better to work and earn money. :

Comments like these, toss them away. Gotta belive in what you belive in. :-)

So you see?!?! Its pretty complicated sometimes who and who not to listen to. But yeah, back to the topic. If so many people seem to ask me if I'm ok... Am I really NOT ok? Maybe I got medical student's diseases. ( eh mel? )

Low countenance? Tiredness? Moodiness?

I STILL think I'm ok. hahaha I wonder why it doesnt show.

The one thing though, that's pulling me down. Is probably the fact that I miss some people, I miss some things, I miss some situations.

Yeah, Or maybe its just cause i feel I missed a

Anyway, I got this from Weifen's blog. TRUST.

"It amazes me how we as christians dont seem to trust the Lord as much as we trust the vending machine.
We certainly expect to get a can of drink that we want when we put our coins into the vending machine. but yet we cant believe in faith that we can receive a harvest from God when we sow our seeds to Him."

(Richard Roberts)