As I bid farewell to this blog, I bid farewell to the memories here as well. There has been some good moments, some amazing moments and a few breathtaking ones.

But with it comes buried dreams, irrevocable mistakes, lost friendships, broken promises as well.

It is nostalgic , and even as I write this, I do contemplate if I should read this book for one last time.

But maybe not. A new book has yet to be written. Much work to be done.

To the different people that has impacted my life in the past... Thank you.

To the very little that have literally changed the course of my life... Thank you.

To that one or two, that belong to "kodak" moments, I sincerely wished it had turned out different.

" The path of the righteous shall shine ever brighter. "

May the Lord guide our steps, our paths. Till we meet again =)

Let your dreams fly free.

When I was a younger man, or boy, I lived very much on inspiration and emotion. You could say one of the reasons why I came to church in my early days was this. I loved the inspirational pep talks of Pastor Kong, and on the emotional high of sermons on chasing your dreams!

It really seemed so simple back then, as though once you get inspired, excited. Well, dreams will come true.

But I realized with the fulfillment of any dream, comes the price of sacrifice. The sacrifice of time, of effort, even the sacrifice of your old character. Such that n new a better one would emerge.

I remembered the night just as if it was yesterday, when I stood at the living room of bullion park, looking out towards the pool. The voice of pastor ringing in my mind, and I couldnt sleep. God showed me a vision then, I saw before a congregation maybe 200, 300, 1000 strong.
I dont really remember falling asleep that night, and it felt so real, so strong that call of God.

But yet in the months following it, I fell in love with a girl, and exchanged my relationship. For 3 years, I lived my life worshipping another. Not so much the person, but rather the feeling of infatuation

I often wonder where would I be today, if I had made a different choice. Now in 2009, that was a decision I made 8 years ago. A vision I saw 96 months back.

Thinking of the past, brings to remembrance many things, many people. Even many versions of myself. I remembered a time when my blog entries was all about girls, or maybe a single girl, the current one I had a crush on. I remembered how I would talk about how cute/pretty/hot/ blah this girl and that was, and that was pretty much what filled my mind.

Looking back, I must have seemed so shallow. So.. simplistic. So hollow. Surely Life, has a greater meaning and purpose.And indeed it does.

In just a few months time, the course of my life would meet yet another landmark. And like so many times before, it's gonna take a whole new level of faith, and its gonna bring me to a whole new realization of the person I can be. A step into the dream I had many years before.

To let my dreams fly free, it does not depend so much on inspiration. But more on revelation and obedience. I've discovered not to live on the emotion, but to exercise persistence.

Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.
Hold fast to dreams
For when dreams go
Life is a barren field
Frozen with snow.

Man its dusty in here!! Look at them cobwebs! But anyway, HELLO WORLD!!! So its been centuries since I last blogged, so here I am again, trying to see if I remember the what and hows of Blogging!

Well, to sum things up on what has been going on the past few weeks or months or centuries, after the previous school term I had a short 2 week break before summer semester. And This is the LOUD CAMP season! CRAZILY busy and I mean crazy. I would meet up either the cg leaders, or the team leaders every alternate day or even more! With 7 days, every week 1 day would be taken up for planning, one for meeting team ics, one for looking for probs, countless hours searching cheers and imagining how the process of the camp would run

and any remaining minutes would be spent cramming for my studies, giving tuition and of course going out with joce! ( ha! )

So yeah, thus the reason for no updates in the blog. But Thank God, I think the camp turned out well, and most importantly, every cg that was in yellow house Grew!!! It felt AMAZING. And it still feels so today. Loud camp really united the teams and drew out the loud shout/scream/cheer spirits in the people!

I secretly think that if anyone or everyone had a choice, they would wanna be loud, they would wanna be the person or the group that eludes the most confidence and noise. Yup, I believe everyone wants to be part of a vocal, loud , and chatty group rather then the silent and solome one!

It's all just about expressing yourself after all =)

Yup, so with that over and the first half of summer over, I'm havin a little bit of a lull peroid! Today to be exact, and BOY it feels good to have nothing to worry about. It feels good knowing there's no assignments to rush.

But in my spirit, I feel it moving into position, gearing up, getting ready. I wanna run again!

Does it get tired?
yeah.
Does it seem overwhelming at times?
Sure.
Do I ever feeling like giving up? Running away? Living the live over the fence?
All the time!

But man, I feel excited somehow! Cause it feels like God is just preparing the next adventure and challenge. And I wanna get my gear ready, and once again scale that mountain!

Oh to live in a perfect world

I got my results back!!!!!!!

And i did well this semester! Much much much better then all my previous semesters!

But! I'm not done yet! This period has been the creaziestly busy since I've started school, but God is faithful indeed!

New level, new devils though...

Things have been happening although very very little people know about it, and the future seems a little unpredictable ahead.

But I heard an interesting phrase today

" I really thought it was impossible, but when I saw what happened, when I saw the results,
It felt as though God laughed "

And I just want to experience that!
Thinking that something seems impossible to achieve,
and hearing God laugh.

wow.

So anyway! Going PS cafe with Joce tomorrow! I cant wait!! I love the food at PS cafe, and the ambiance is just awesome! It's rare to spend quality time together and I'm gonna savor every single second of it!

Ok! Off to bed!

YELLOW!

Scandalon

I have been wriggling in scandalon, although I did not yet know it.

I dont understand this feeling, this dislike, this dark undercurrent for I cannot find the reason of its existence. But it exists, its there, and it burns.

Weird, weird. The type of burning where with the want to overpower, to simply show who is better.
Well, I already do know of course. But this thing inside, urges me to flaunt it. Be pressed under the thumb.

Not a desire to win, but a dark yearning to crush. Crushed till you can climb back no more.

Dark indeed.

What a dislike for hypocrisy and gossip, espcially when most have looked but do not see.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Just the thought, burrows my eyebrows.

But! after this, I let it go =)

Where there exists such a feeling.
That everyone wins
but me

And it all comes haunting back at me.
Snarling, growling, crying

God, draw me o draw me away
from the inside out
draw me, o draw me away

Because today I dreamt of the two of you talking, quarreling. I dreamt of you moving on, walking away with a hurt hidden in your heart. Masked by the smiles and covered with a fresh new coat of love.

But the hurt never left, did it?

It just got hidden for a little while ,

as you continue to run away.

You decided not to in the end, and I felt a certain grief coming over me as I woke up. So much so that I had to type this now.

But it is ok. Because someone has to fill this gap, between the living and the dead.

Oh and I really liked the quote that pam posted

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When I have learnt to love God better than my earthly dearest,

I shall love my earthly dearest better than I do now.

In so far as I learn to love my earthly dearest at the expense of God and instead of God,

I shall be moving towards the state in which I shall not love my earthly dearest at all.

When first things are put first, second things are not suppressed but increased.

-C.S. Lewis

It is said that light and darkness cannot co-exist. Just had an interesting talk with a friend today, and I realised how true some things really are. That groups are people would hang out due to similr values, similar dreams , similar character.

And sometimes you get groups of people that just do not click. Thats where all the politics and back stabbing and gossip come in i guess. I am glad that the groups of friends I hang out with doesnt have that. There are no complicated ties or links or gloominess and I pray that it stays that way!

Things are often much clearer looking back. And I'm glad of the choices I made, the people I choose to close in on. And I breathe a sign of relief on the baggage that I left behind. It seems such like such an intricate web of complicated relationships and dark secrets. And like what my first sentence says, the dark cannot co exist with the light.

Happiness and sadness cannot exist together. Emo-ness and being carefree cannot exist together. Letting go means not hanging on. But dont get me wrong, being happy doesnt mean denying that bad things happen to good people. It just means u gotta let. it. go.

But maybe it works that way. Once tainted , you cant ever really go back. Once you lost your virginity, you lost it. Once you had an affair, you scar a life. Once you stabbed a friend in the back, you killed the trust.

And the guilt. Well, you just deal with it the rest of your life I guess.

This post sounds so " no turning back " haha but there is always a second chance of course! There always is.

I like how Carl Bard says it.

"Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now on and make a brand new ending. "

Research says that this image was shown to children. And everyone of them saw only dolphins in the jar. It is because their minds are pure and untainted, which prevents them from seeing the intimate couple that is shown inside.

It goes on to say that people who sees the couple at first glance has "tainted" minds. And only when you focus, will you see the dolphins.

So what did you see?

Dolphins? Or A couple?

If you ask me.

The choice is yours really =)

Narnia!

I finished watching Narnia 2 with Joce yesterday, and it was good. I have a thing for fantasy books and shows that has a children's element in it. Fairy tales in essence!



I like how there might be a whole different world, with fairies and centaurs and dwarfs and elves, and not in the Lord of the rings kind of way, or in the Harry potter kinda way. But in a Narnia, Hans Christian Anderson sort of manner.



Where innocence prevails cunning, and endings are always happy. Whenever I read Harry Potter in the past, I always conjure up a dark background or a gloomy atmosphere. Narnia on the other hand gives me a feeling of hope, friskiness and glee! I like that. Innocent, light hearted reading. Not to mention the old manner of how the english speak. Full of manners and yet oddly snobbish haha.


And there are the quotes. Which always sets me thinking, since we all know this. That sometimes, there are deeper hidden meanings behind each word, each sentence and each book.



There is a huge hidden meaning or rather representation in the Chronicals of Narnia. But I'd rather not spoil the moment for you. Go read it! Maybe you might find something you are searching for in life after all! Maybe hope, maybe joy, maybe innocence. Or maybe even more then all that.


I leave u all with the following =)

"Yes," said Queen Lucy. "In our world too, a Stable once had something inside it that was bigger than our whole world." ~TLB

There are times when you get emotional right? Times when you wonder what you're doing here, is your life your own, are you living it right or living it the way you want to.

Yeah, there are times when you get really tired. Ready to throw in the towel and say, I give up. I'm sick of it all. I wanna live life by That other road.

Why? Sometime I think that way cause something failed, or I feel insufficient, or it seems that things are getting too tough.

Yesterday was such a day but a little different. I couldnt think of a good reason why I felt all emotionally unsettling. Maybe its the results of one of my papers which caused me to seriously consider dropping the module.

But yet that should not be it. Its just one of those weird days that makes me feel annoyed, irritated at the slightest things.

Maybe its a spiritual attack. i remember learning at BS just this week then if you go to bed feeing cheerful and filled with the joy of the Lord, but you wake up gloomy, it just means your emotions have attacked.

Maybe! haha I really dont know, but I believe that I'll pull through. I'm already on the winning side of this battle =)
I like what the BS teaching taught. I may not know how the battle will be like, what I will go through. But I how it will turn ou, and I want to be on the winning side.

Anyway went to joce to this french place at little india yesterday. Its apprantly supposed to be gourmet food at good prices, so went I check it out. The ambience is pretty good with lots of caucasians around, so I guess that it really is authentic french food. Including the portions!

I could kick myself but I forgot to take photos of the food! Although the portion was small, it was relatively filling, so check it out! google it for the address. Anyway off to church! tata for now!

Chris has an eye infection! My very first no less. After a few years of wearing contacts i decided that I shall not take hygiene for granted, it was a very nice wake up call.



So anyway I didnt go to school today due to my MC and I missed the all disgusting law mid terms. So i bet you guys think WOHOO great! haha well, a little part of me thought so too, that I might have a little more time to study. But guess what! Instead of taking a 30MCQ and 2 essay question paper, I now have to take PURE essays!!!

Oh the torment, the torment! and yet here I reside, typing my blog instead of creaming my brain with the consitutional rights of every citizen. Singapore doesnt follow the constitituion btw, its an american law. Yup, I'm studying a law that is inapplicable in Singapore, joy. haha

I like typing cynical post, makes me wonder how much of a cynical person I really am. Its true then, that growing up makes you all the moe cynical. No more blowing feathers in the air or lying down on green pasture enjoy the breezy afternoon.

OOPSS, wait time to put eye drops. Brb!!!
Ok back.

I kinda miss my classmates, i wonder how they're feeling now after they test. Out celebrating maybe? haha the feeling of finishing a difficult test is hard to describe, it always fills me with a sense of accomplishment.

Anyway i was reading an extract on how law changed over the rights of blacks and i read an interesting point one of the congressman put up.

The first ammendment states that every citizen has a freedom of speech, decision and so on. Is it not the right of a businessman, to select the man/woman/race on which he desires to hire? Just as it is the right for every worker to choose an employer, the employer should hold rights to the people he choose to associate himself with!

I found it a very compelling arguement alothough it goes against ethics. yup, so something to think about!

ok back to law, oh glorious law! I shall try to post more frequently from now on, and hopefull on more interesting subject.

i'm talking bout ETHICs, phft yeah. ok till next time!!

I was reading Kenneth's blog just now and i came upon one of his entry.

It just simply said, " let me be hope, When there's despair. "

I just stopped for a moment. Reading it twice, three times. And it got to me somehow. It gets me because I see how a life transformed. A candle lighting up, to bring to end the darkness that hovers around.

It makes me hopeful, knowing that someone else understands and wants the same things as me.

To let others know there is hope,
so that they would pick themselves up
and start running this race and keep on running.

Keep on running Kenneth,
as long as the candle of hope burns,
there can still be love, peace and joy.

=)

I guess the core of my holidays would be the shifting of my house. Yup, for those that do no know yet, I now reside in the quiet neighbourhood of Parry Terrace.


It was a gruesome. I take back everything I said about shifting house being easy. The dust, the heavy books, the clearing of long unwanted clothe, and in the midst of my examiations! Thank God I sill did ok, excet for the cursed MGS!!!!! argh. I hate computer stuff.



So anyway me having a car, i left some stuff of mine at my old house to transport at a different time. I left all the cards and gift stuff, like camp breakaway awards back at my old place. For those of you who came before, its basically the place where i display all the cards and things people gave me over the years.



So yesterday, after major naggation by my mom, I went back to bullion park to retrieve them.





I guess.... A part of me doesnt want to leave the place. After all, it was there that I stayed the longest ( I have shifted 4 times in my life ).



Bullion Park saw me go through 3 different phases of my life.

It was where I met my best friend louis.

It was where I spent afternoons playing basketball and basking in the sun with my friends.

It was where I laid by the pool emoing about my problems.

It was where all 3 three of my relationships started and where 2 ended

It was where Aphro grew up

It was where I would walk, round and round and round the compound talking to God

It was where I met my most awesome neighbour Grace and of course jenric

It was where I decided to redidicate my life.



Bullion Park was/is so many things. And yesterday spelt my last day in the place.
It reminds me of the last episode of friends, where everyone left Monica's apartment.
So nostalgic, yet filled with the excitement of brand new beginnings.

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Played this new game at settlers the other day. Super fun! Haha, each person is given a card with a few different kind of information in it. So we are supposed to bluff the ppl around us.
For example, one of the info would give B.L.C

and we are supposed to each write something belivable, such as Bill Lender's Commitee and try to trcik the others. B.L.C might mean banana lovers convert or whatever, so the geez of it is to make the others choose your answer.

Anyway its a complicated game to explain and a fun game to play. Go try it out!

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While walking aphro with joce today, we caught wayne sitting outside his house and reading. So we went over for a while and started talking.

He shared how his cg would always start in the basement, and slowly grow bigger until it eventually fills up the stairs and overflows. Then everyone have to go to the living room.

Amazing.

Vision man. Although i've only known him or a little while, I cant help but be blown away by what he is doing for God. Not only does he have one of the fastest growing cg in church, he is good looking, charismatic and a First Class Honours student.

how. how does he do it? Just one christmas alone and I feel so worn out with just handling a connect group. I have so much free time and I'm just able to achieve second upper. And I'm in SIM! for crying out loud.

Even Huanxin is not first class.

I cant take it sometimes geeezz, oh well!

This semester, is gonna be the start of such success and 2009 will be the best year yet!

Psalms 139

O Lord, you have examined my heart
and know everything about me.
You know when I sit down or stand up.
You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.
You see me when I travel
and when I rest at home.
You know everything I do.
You know what I am going to say
even before I say it, Lord.
You go before me and follow me.
You place your hand of blessing on my head.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too great for me to understand!
I can never escape from your Spirit!
I can never get away from your presence!
If I go up to heaven, you are there;
if I go down to the grave, you are there.
If I ride the wings of the morning,
if I dwell by the farthest oceans,
even there your hand will guide me,
and your strength will support me.
I could ask the darkness to hide me
and the light around me to become night—
but even in darkness I cannot hide from you.
To you the night shines as bright as day.
Darkness and light are the same to you.
You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
before a single day had passed.
How precious are your thoughts about me, O God.
They cannot be numbered!
I can’t even count them;
they outnumber the grains of sand!
And when I wake up,
you are still with me!
O God, if only you would destroy the wicked!
Get out of my life, you murderers!
They blaspheme you;
your enemies misuse your name.
O Lord, shouldn’t I hate those who hate you?
Shouldn’t I despise those who oppose you?
Yes, I hate them with total hatred,
for your enemies are my enemies.
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
Point out anything in me that offends you,
and lead me along the path of everlasting life.

Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.Edify. Edify.

Everywhere I go, I hope to form crystals behind me.

I'm waiting for my tuition kid to come and listening to the P2 students talking.

Teacher : " your dad will scold you later ah if you never do your work. "

Student : " ... "

Teacher : " Why your dad always scold you? "

Student still refusing to do work.

Teacher : " Your daddy will scold u later ah "

Student : " But My mom coming. "

Hahhaha then i laughed at this point

Teacher : " I will call your dad "

Student : " You dont know his number. "

Teacher : " you will be surprised."

Student : " The number is not 9XXXXXXX "

Teacher : " Just do your work. "

Student : " Can I do it at home? "

Teacher : " no. "

Student : " Why cannot? "


Hahaha and this is why tutors are paid so much.

I miss

-Lying on my back and watching the clouds
-Looking forward to the bell that signals the end of school and the start of basketball
-Seeing my dad prepare for work each morning
-Early nights and late days
-Laughing at each other
-2 month long holidays
-Aphro as a puppy
-The lick of waves upon my toes
-Learning how to swim faster
-Playing block catching
-Being able to not care about my image
-being naive

We all grow up after all. =)