You search

You search the world for yourself
The highest clouds,
the deepest caves.
The darkness of death,
The desires of heart,
The urge of acceptance.
You search the candles of hope, only to be burnt by its flames
You once looked at the light,
but now the it stings your eyes.

The night is your companion.
loneliness you have over for dinner
You sleep without dreams
and call it rest.

Dreams, desire, destiny,death
Destruction, despair, delirium.

Delirium, who was born delight.
Yes, i belive thats the sentence i was looking.
Delirium, who was born delight.

So what are you now?
Do you delight?
Or are you just delirious?

Benny Hinn

Really Long Entry. ( RLE ) haha, so dont bother reading if you're not gonna finish it.

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The first time I heard of Benny Hinn was from Marielle.

I remember her telling me really excitedly about singing in choir.

I remember how she said, he waved his hands, and everyone fell so smoothly, so fluidly, so perfectly.

I remember wanting to feel that. What does it feel, to fall under the presence of God? I remember too, that i wondered to myself, if it were all fake.

I grew up cynical. I grew up knowing magic has its tricks, ghosts were a part of your mind, fortune tellers were hoo haa. And i guess you could say there's some good in that.
Superstition, i called it.

Fast forward.

Here I stood in white and black. I didnt really expect this day to come. When i would be in the shoes of which mel wore that two years back.

I didnt care if I knew the lyrics to every song. I didnt care if I could sing in tune or pitch. I didnt care if i looked good or stupid in the crowd.

I remembered mel saying how awesome it was to fall. And that was all I could think of. Would tonight be the night?

Let's fast forward again. It was the third night. I served on the friday and there was no laying of hands, no slaying, no falling. I saw what happened on saturday. And now it was sunday.
Triple. That was what was promised. Triple.

As the lights beamed into my eyes. I heard it.

" Choir join hands across the...( This was it ) "
" are you read... ( its coming! ) {{Is it real?}} "
" Lift your hands and pr ( God, I really want this, I want to feel it, i want that annoint...{{If everyone is holding hands. as long as one fall, all would fall}}..ing )

I didnt hear pastor say anything. A war waged within me, struggling with my desire to belive. And with the cynical heart I had.

I felt people falling. I wanted to peek. I didnt wanna be the only one stan..... Whoosh.

And I was down. Pushed back onto the chair. ( was that the po {{ of course I fell, they were holding my hands}}..wer? )

I opened my eyes. I could hear people around me laughing, i heard them cry, I felt some shake.
And though i was on the ground. I looked at the ceiling and wondered. Was this it? This is what I was so hungry for? Whoosh, bam. Ceiling?

Then I heard Pastor say, double. And i heard the people around me laugh even harder! I looked around me and saw literally EVERYONE laughing! And at tat point I felt a trinkle of it, how ridiculous this looked, how I should just let go. Stop thinking and feel.

I did, and I started grining and laughed a few times. Before tearing up.

Much as I wanna say I got it, I felt it, it was awesome. I cant lie.

All I got was a trinkle. I wisp of it. The rest were in the river, where i stood at the outskirts and admired.

I felt really lousy. And i mean REALLY lousy. Was my heart that hard? That even though I was in a river? I could only admire its beauty? What a waste! What a pity! And why?? Am I not hugry enough? I even forced myself to be awake at sermon just so I can catch every single little bit!

As i went home, I was so tired. And it just kept kept bothering me, why why why could i get the fullthing?

I went to bed after a short prayer. I look at my computer and contemplated. Hillsongs? Or Jack Johnson. Hillsongs.

I closed my eyes. " God, I really want to feel what they felt. "

* Ok, here's where the real story begins *

As I listen. I could hear a choir behind the worship. It sounded really beautiful. And then it Hit! All over again, I was in the choir! The same bright yellow lights, glaring into my eyes.

Touch.

I opened my eyes. Except that they were closed. And right there and then, in my own room, I finally felt his touch.

I tried moving my hands and I couldnt, I tried getting up and I couldnt! And as i laid there, all I saw was the indoor stadium, the thousands upon thousands of people worshipping. And I felt waves of goosebumps flowing upon my body. The way light glistered on the surface of the river, the spirit flowed and glistered upon me...

And i just laid there. Resting. Resting from physical tiredness, resting from the burdens I carried in my heart, resting in the peace and assurance that God knows what i'm going through, and he understands. Resting in the knowledge that all things would be ok.

And even today as I walk around in camp. I still feel that glister on me. Light reflecting off a flowing river.

And I knew! Its not hypnotism. Its a in the moment thing. It not influence because all the rest were laughing. Its not because they held my hands!

And God chose a time and place. Where there are no pastors, where there were no friends, where there were no choir, where there was noone who could do or say anything. And there he chose to touch me. That I know, that it wasnt a human trick, it wasnt just simply an imagination in my mind. There was simply no other reason i could think of.




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Wikipedia Slain in the Spirit

Being slain in the Spirit occurs in many contemporary Charismatic or Pentacostal church meetings. It was also extremely common in early American (late eighteenth-century) Methodism, particularly at camp meetings and love feasts. Many refer to the phenomenon as "falling under the Spirit's power", "falling before the Lord" or "resting in the Spirit". They call it resting in the spirit for it is said in Psalms 23:2 which says "He lies me down in green pastures; He leads me beside quiet waters."(New American Version).

And so there I sat beside the water, admiring its glistering beauty.

And there I rested.

Awesome.

Chris

I looked out my window and asked God.

What would it take? What do you want? What do you expect of me??

I looked out my window and asked God.

I saw a bird. Maybe an eagle, maybe a falcon. I dont know.

I looked out my window and asked God.

I saw a bird, just spreading its wings. And round and round it went, higher and higher, till I could see it no more.

I looked out my window and asked God.

" What do you expect of me? "
I saw a bird.
I saw a bird spreading its wings.
I saw a bird soar towards heaven.

God looked out of heaven and asked me.

" Would you mind spreading your wings? "

Its not easy

Ok, i know how i always say i dont really watch TV. As in, i dont watch the 9 o clock chinese show, or korean dramas, or singapore idol.

So on sunday, when i said to myself, i'll go on a TV fast. Which means I would give up watching TV for a week. I thought it would be a walk in the park.

Then i realise today. IT ISENT EASY! I didnt realise how sometimes i would just on the TV to browse to see any interesting shows are on. To sort of waste time.

Anyway. i got home early, and i wanted on the TV out of habit. And i cant! And u know what i realise?!?!?!?!?

Not watching TV . INCLUDES DVDS!!!!!!!!!!! ARRRRGGGGHHHHGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was like, debating with myself. TV doesnt include DVDs lar, but I know in myt heart it does.

Argh.